does my mom ever know I’m on drugs?
sometimes I feel like the loneliest little Ana there could ever be
our procreation: an abortion of sorts
but, the summer,
the house all love and warmth and tits
but, the winter,
the corners of each room piled up
with spent condoms.
but, this morning,
the braiding of my hair, rolling of a joint,
tracing of your tan lines.
i am the gathered saliva in the tip of your
tongue, a child of divorce
but, in time,
will i only be, a girl you like to call
mais je ne regrette pas
I keep trying to find the strength I had as a little girl but I can’t find her anywhere.
instead, I find dead ends and rusted signs of no return.
I tell myself I am a road of no return, the manic pixie girl trope, a spoonful of salt in no proximity to water.
I can’t read, I can’t write, I can’t enjoy.
the disconnection between me and everything real (and unreal) is impairing and injuriously lurid.
I wrote 17 letters that were supposed to be read posthumously,
maybe, at some point, I thought of my suicide as a matter of high importance to at least 17 other conscious bodies.
the ashes of my apologies are scattered out of reach, but most of them said
“it was beyond you to save me”
“thank you for your presence”
“I only wish that you do not blame yourself”
maybe if I had kept them these words would sound better.
each one of them said “I love you” more than 17 times.
there’s no point to those letters or pointing out that coherence leaves me as often as the waves pull back into the sea.
what I mean to say is,
I’ve never thought of what yours would say.
maybe the reason I can’t find that little girl is because I don’t need her strength anymore.
“protrudent” is no longer a fit adjective for my ribs, and I only have your laughter to thank,
Resolutions (notes to self)
- You know nothing but more than you think you do.
- Listen to yourself but don’t take it too seriously.
- You’re most likely not under attack by anyone, don’t act like it.
- Keep impressing yourself. (WORK HARD)
- Art in all forms is important; always regard it as such.
- Read, write, exercise, and save more. This will come as a result of good time management and constantly updating your planner.
- No slacking off!!!!
- Don’t smoke too many cigarettes, try to not drink instant coffee and have as many vegan days as possible.
- Keeping in touch with people is essential to your personal growth. Only surround yourself with people that push your vision forward. Don’t ever lead a stagnant life.
- Rid your mouth from rude comments when uncalled for. Keep a “mean things I can’t say to people” list. In other words, keep it to yourself.
- Always fight the fight against the boring.
- Your health is important to others, too.
- Take more pictures of whatever is relevant to your daily life.
- Be conscious that watching TV generally doesn’t inspire you and that advertisement only pollutes your creativity. Rid yourself of both as much as possible.
- In the same note, always be on the look out for wholesome movies/shows/etc.
- Now that you’ve resolved that answering questions is the essence of the human experience, always remember there are not answers for everything.
I don’t believe in you, I don’t know when I stopped. I don’t believe in you or in the power of love, or in angels, or in the official story of the 911 attacks. I don’t believe in you, or in my parents’ marriage, or in the way Nolan says he doesn’t mind introducing himself as a widow. I don’t believe in you, or in the atkins diet, and I don’t believe Adia is coming back.
But don’t worry, I believe in other things.
A clockwork orange/ it was hard to pick up nadsat when I started reading it but after the first few chapters it became hard to put down. A very enjoyable read.
Tenían veinte años y estaban locos/ este poemario me llamo la atención desde el año pasado y tuve la oportunidad de comprarlo cuando estuve en España en Julio. Aparte de agradecer a Luna Miguel por abrirme las puertas a la literatura española y joven, también le doy gracias por recordarme que no nada más los viejos pueden hacer el español emocionante y bello.
American psycho/ it was exciting and vomit inducing and I recommend it to everyone. The characters that Bret writes entice you to desperately want to understand them.
The bell jar/ I read the first half last year but stopped for some reason. I re read it completely and felt less alone but also more alone. I felt like Sylvia taught me something about life but I couldn’t tell you what. I’ll have my daughter read this at fourteen or fifteen. Maybe she’ll tell me what I learned.
Fight club/ jesus, the first chapter is genius. The whole book is genius. The repetition of the rules, the narrator referring to himself as jack’s something, Tyler’s fucked personality. This book is a poem but not a lesson and I only wish there had been more Marla.
The rules of attraction/ I can’t begin explaining why I felt like I understood Sean and Paul and Lauren. It’s written better than most things I’ve read and it’s inspiring to many aspects of my life. The movie is not nearly as good but watch it cause of shannyn sossamon.
Extremely loud and incredibly close/ I always thought it was a must read but I never went out of my way to do so. It was on the sale bin so I figured why not since I had watched the movie but couldn’t remember it. At first it was annoying because it starts out with Oskar, but once the grandparents take over and Anna comes into play the books becomes a living thing. You’re searching for answers the way Oskar is and I really almost cried at the end. I recommend you read this. It’s urgent that you do.
Formas de volver a casa/ quien es Alejandro zambra y porque siento que lo conozco? O qué conozco su historia? Leí la novela en una noche. Zambra tiene una prosa que intriga pero no confunde. Terminé hablando con mi abuelo sobre Pinochet y Chile y el estadio y termine pensando que yo no se lo que es fumarme un cigarro con mi mama o lo que es hablarle de usted. Ahora pienso que mis memorias mundanas no son tan mundanas
I keep daydreaming of a movie I once saw; a mother lovingly brushing her young girl’s long hair; I cant remember any other scenes but I don’t think I made it up either; I don’t know motherly love as such tenderness